Here's something I found in my journals. A word of caution: this one is long. You can take it as fictional or non-fictional— I don't care in particular. Anyone want to post a response to it?
Dear A.
You know, I wish you could tell me what I'm supposed to do. Scratch that, I know what to do. I just wish I had your strength and character to take it all positively. I can't. And I know that.
Knowledge is a bitch. It's fucking useless. Whoever stated "information is power" should be dragged into the streets and shot. (Into? or onto? Fuck it.)
It's so liberating to say those two words: "fuck it."
You already know what I think about myself. How many times have I agonized over who I am and how useless I feel? And yet, you don't completely understand what it feels. You can only nod your head and say "Uh-huh... I see what you mean... okay lang 'yan." I know you mean well. I know you can't do anything for me but give advice.
A., how I wish I could unload my feelings. How I wish you could see me stop crying. How I wish you could see me truly satisfied and happy. Then again, I'd probably be dead already by then. This is real life, and I don't expect to be happy. But tell me A., tell me that I can at least come close to happiness. Fool me, so at least I can dream that I could achieve it.
Alas you can no longer fool me about life, my friend. I have grown sick and tired of it. I have become jaded. I refuse to see things as "beautiful" because all I see is the filth and inhumanity around me. Why, I have asked before, why isn't life beautiful? Why do people fight? Why are people so cruel? Yet I asked myself again, am I not also cruel? Do I not also fight? Am I not also boastful, arrogant, proud?
These are dreams, and I have to wake up from them. I have to pinch myself into reality.
A., I've never felt this lucid before. I've never felt the emptiness in my soul as clearly as now. And I've never felt so alive. Ironic, isn't it? In the emptiness I see that I am alive. I see the void that has yet to be filled. I also see my purpose, dim, yet it is there, flickering at the edges of my vision.
I know how ridiculous I sound, but you've heard me speak like this before. You've heard me speak volumes of gibberish and yet you endured it patiently.
You never imposed on me. You have never told me to do this or that. Instead, you suggested what I do and left me with the task of finding what I should do. You pointed out every alternative, and then made me choose.
I feel so bitter, now that I look back. I feel bitter because I never knew you back then. I've been told what to do, and I refused to listen because in my heart I knew that there were other choices. Alas, I picked the wrong ones. I was stubborn— you already know that. But you wouldn't have done that to me... you would have realized my stubborness and yet you would still tell me everything. You would have let me loose knowing and trusting I would realize the right choices.
But would I? You shake your head, I see. I see you say "We cannot know." I agree, we cannot know. We are here right now. I am who I am because of what happened to me.
Who is to blame? No one. You shake your head once more? Okay, so maybe I am to blame. But why put blame?
You know that I ask myself why I endure it all. You also know that I've thought of giving up several times. Yet the urge, the urge to take my life... is stronger now. I feel it deep inside. I feel it, A. What would you do? I ask myself... what would you think? What would you feel? How? Why?
I've never told you this, but you are the reason I live. I live so I can go through my life with you. I have never thanked you, but let me do that now. Thank you.
I wish you could look into my eyes and say you can do this, I know you can change. At least someone believes in me. I don't.
You know I do not ask for your pity. I only ask that you understand. I ask that you see things the way I see them, even if I know that it is not entirely possible to do so.
I'll stop babbling already. I just wrote to get it all out. I wrote so you may know. I wrote because I know I can never say what I mean to you. I wrote so I may remember. I wrote because I love you.
W. </blockquote>
Previously: No Subject