Love the weather. Fits my mood (more or less).
I'm here at Globe Telecom Towers, over at Ortigas, doing development work. Pretty bored at the moment— there's a lull in development and (being such a scatter-brained individual) I have no idea what to do. (Hah, to think I currently have a pretty long task list).
Anyway, I haven't really explained my "bouts of melancholy" post a few weeks back. I really have these bouts of sadness— partly a mix of loneliness and depression, and partly an effect of my tiredness.
Life has suddenly gotten very hectic for me. I've swallowed my pride and enrolled at AMA, at the Makati campus, and am currently taking 16 units as an irregular 1st year student. (I really blasted my academic career to smithereens, talent be damned, you know?) I still have my job as a developer here, but my work load hasn't slackened yet— giving me problems with scheduling and such.
Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I wish I had the same drive as, say, some of you out there, but I simply don't. I love what I do— I love the technology, the code, the cool and nifty stuff that I get to use. However, I don't know why I do it.
Do I code for the sake of coding? (Pretty much, yeah, at the moment, I do.) In five, or even ten years' time, where do I see myself?
I'm still very much a kid at heart. I love playing with all these... toys... and, honestly, I can't see myself grow up. And, what's worse, I am not developing as a person because of that. I still am a procrastinator, even if I try to schedule my work. I still act as though I were in high school.
More than my angst about my lack of drive, I feel the yearning for companionship. No, not necessarily a girlfriend— though the yearning for one is there— I yearn for someone who I can connect with at a fundamental level. I feel like I am searching for someone not unlike me in many ways, yet someone who is not me.
Often, I find myself reassured in the company of strangers, yet lost in a room with people I know. (Because of this, I often find myself shaken out of my wits when I unexpectedly bump into acquaintances. Often, I walk away with my heart throbbing painfully in my chest, massively dosed on andrenaline as if from a flight-or-fight response.)
(I am a goddamned angsty teenager, and it kills me every time I remember that.)
Previously: Meme: I've never ...